Elizabeth Jane: As a parent – How to deal with adult children who are fighting

Family conflict doesn't always fade with age. In fact, according to wellbeing expert and author Elizabeth Jane, it can often intensify as children grow into adulthood, bringing with them more complex identities, unresolved childhood dynamics and deeply personal life choices. For parents caught in the middle of adult siblings who are fighting, the emotional toll can be just as heavy, if not heavier, than when they were younger.
 

"As a mother, it's heartbreaking to watch your adult children drift apart or turn against each other," Elizabeth Jane said.
 

"You've spent a lifetime trying to foster love and unity and suddenly you're caught in the crossfire of resentment, competition or long-held misunderstandings. It can leave you feeling powerless, anxious and torn."
 

Elizabeth Jane, who is also a celebrated artist, mental health thought leader, sought-after keynote speaker and author of the best-selling book Free and First - Unlocking Your Ultimate Life, speaks from both personal experience and years of working in the field of emotional healing and self-empowerment.
 

Jane outlines her insights for parents on how to navigate adult sibling conflict.
 

Understand it's not your fault

One of the biggest emotional burdens parents carry is guilt. But Jane said it's vital to understand that adult children are responsible for their own emotional behaviour and choices.
 

"It's natural to want to fix things, but you didn't cause the rift and you can't force peace. Adult children have to own their roles in the relationship and choose whether or not they want to heal it," Jane said.
 

Don't take sides, hold space

Parents often feel pressured to mediate or take sides, especially if one child seems more hurt or more vocal. But doing so can deepen the divide.
 

"You don't have to choose one child over another. What they need from you is calm, steady emotional support, not more conflict." Jane said.
 

Jane further recommends holding space with love for each of your children individually, while making it clear that you won't be used as a messenger or emotional weapon.

"You can love them both and be very clear that your home is not a battlefield."
 

Encourage reflection, not reaction

Jane said the path to resolution between siblings starts with emotional maturity and that rarely comes through forced family meetings or guilt trips. Instead, parents can gently encourage their children to reflect on their own behaviour and consider how their actions affect the family unit as a whole.
 

"Ask questions that invite growth, not shame. Things like, 'What would peace look like for you?' or 'Is holding onto this worth the distance between you?'" Jane said.
 

These types of conversations can sow the seeds for future reconciliation.
 

Take care of your own emotional health

Watching your children fight can trigger deep emotional pain and parents often suppress their feelings to keep the family afloat. Jane warns this can lead to anxiety, exhaustion or even resentment.
 

"You deserve peace too. It's okay to step back, it's okay to set boundaries and it's absolutely okay to seek support for yourself. Your emotional wellbeing matters and your strength sets the tone for the entire family," Jane said.
 

How to manage family events when siblings are feuding

When milestone birthdays, weddings or holidays arise, mothers often feel trapped between wanting everyone present and fearing the tension it might bring. Jane advised approaching these events with clear boundaries and realistic expectations.
 

"You're not responsible for forcing a reunion. If both siblings are invited, make it clear that you expect respectful behaviour, not reconciliation, just civility," Jane said.
 

"If one or both refuse to attend, don't take it personally. Focus on the people who show up. Celebrate the moment, not the absence. Family unity is a beautiful goal, but it shouldn't come at the expense of your own peace or the comfort of others at the event."
 

For high-stakes occasions like weddings or milestone anniversaries, Jane recommended addressing the issue ahead of time with each sibling individually and neutrally.
 

"Sometimes it helps to say, 'I understand things aren't resolved right now, but I'd love for you to be part of this day in whatever way feels manageable for you,'" Jane said.
 

Family healing takes time

Reconciliation between siblings may not happen overnight. Sometimes it takes months, years or a major life event to bring clarity. In the meantime, Jane encouraged parents to remain loving, present and hopeful, but also to honour their own needs.
 

"Let your children know that you believe in their ability to find their way back to each other, when they're ready. Until then, lead with compassion, protect your peace and remember: your love doesn't depend on them always getting along," Jane said.

About Elizabeth Jane

Elizabeth Jane is an Australian artist, author and public speaker. She uses a selection of painting media in her art, including acrylic oil and water colour. Digital and canvas versions of her art are available for purchase through her website. Jane's debut book, 'Free and First—Unlocking Your Ultimate Life', was written as part of her healing process following her divorce, which ended a 25- year marriage. Jane aims to develop wellness centres and healing sanctuaries focused on helping people to recover from relationship breakdowns and other life issues.

https://elizabethjane.com.au/