Is someone being rude to you? Don’t take it personally, it says more about them than you

Gary Fahey reveals the dark psychology behind rudeness and how to protect yourself from emotional damage

When someone cuts you off in a meeting, mocks you in front of others, ignores your message or speaks to you with obvious contempt, your first instinct may be to question yourself. "Did I say something wrong? Did I deserve that?" According to mental resilience and crisis intervention expert and former elite federal police officer Gary Fahey, the answer is almost always no.

"Rudeness is a warning signal," Fahey said.

"It's not about you. It's about the internal world of the person being rude and the faster you understand that, the safer your mental health will be."

Fahey, who now works with business leaders, professional sports people and everyday Australians through crisis intervention and high-performance mindset mentoring and programs, said many people are unknowingly absorbing the emotional toxicity of others and paying a high price for it.

Rudeness isn't casual, it's corrosive

Research shows that rude behaviour doesn't just feel bad in the moment, it can have lasting neurological, emotional and even physical consequences. Rudeness activates the same part of the brain that responds to actual threat, triggering the fight-or-flight response and hijacking your ability to think clearly. Over time, repeated exposure to incivility can lead to burnout, anxiety, avoidance behaviour and lowered performance.

"If someone's rudeness leaves you rattled or second-guessing yourself hours later, that's not weakness, that's your brain trying to make sense of a perceived threat," Fahey said.

The real reasons people are rude and what it reveals about them

Most people assume rudeness is random or personality-based.  However Fahey said it often reveals more about a person's emotional state than their character.  He outlines five of the most common and confronting psychological reasons behind rude behaviour.

1.    They're overwhelmed and emotionally maxed out

People under chronic stress or emotional fatigue tend to lose the ability to self-regulate. Their patience shortens, their empathy shuts down and their tolerance for discomfort disappears.

When they lash out, it's not about you, it's a symptom of their emotional system being overloaded.

"That 'short fuse' is actually a lack of emotional resources. When someone's drowning internally, they'll often push others underwater just to stay afloat," Fahey said.

"I see this behaviour often in people who are experiencing some type of personal crisis or are near to crisis point.   I move quickly to implement crisis intervention support to help them to regain control of their life and their situation so they can work on a longer term plan to move forward in a positive and productive way."

2.    They lack emotional intelligence or self-awareness

Some people have never learned to manage their emotions or communicate with respect, especially under pressure. They operate reactively, not intentionally. They interrupt, dismiss or insult without understanding the damage they're doing.

"This isn't just about manners," Fahey said.

"It's about an inability to reflect on their own behaviour or its impact. They leave a trail of hurt and confusion and often don't even realise it."

3. They're trying to assert control or dominance

Rudeness can be a power move. When someone feels insecure, intimidated or threatened, they may try to reclaim control by putting others down. In meetings, this might look like sarcasm, interruptions or dismissive body language. In relationships, it can take the form of coldness or silent treatment.

"It's often less about dislike and more about fear, fear of being exposed, fear of being wrong, fear of being weak," Fahey said.

4.    They're hurting, physically or emotionally

Pain changes people. Whether it's physical illness, depression, grief or hidden trauma, unresolved pain often manifests as irritability, coldness, or even cruelty. Fahey warned not to excuse bad behaviour but to recognise that people in pain often become emotionally unpredictable.

"It doesn't justify rudeness, but it helps explain why someone who once seemed kind now seems sharp-edged or disconnected," he said.

5.    They've normalised rudeness as a communication style

In some environments, like high-pressure workplaces, toxic families or certain cultural settings, rudeness becomes part of the norm. People bark orders, speak over each other or weaponise sarcasm because that's how they've learned to operate. Over time, this becomes their default mode and they carry it into every interaction.

"When rudeness is routine, curiosity and empathy become foreign," Fahey said.

"It's a survival mechanism turned social pattern."

You can't stop people from being rude, but you can stop it from wrecking you

Fahey said the key to handling rude behaviour is to separate identity from interaction.

"Just because someone talks to you like you don't matter doesn't mean you don't," he said.

"Rudeness is a projection of internal instability. Your job is not to internalise that chaos."

Instead of reacting emotionally, he suggested a mindset of calm observation. Don't retaliate, don't retreat; assess. Is this person overwhelmed, threatened, ignorant or just lost in their own storm?

Use emotional distancing to disarm rude people

Practical strategies include slowing your breathing to stop the threat response, grounding your body which can involve planting your feet firmly on the floor, using non-defensive body language and choosing strategic silence over emotional reactivity.

Fahey also recommended using phrases like "I'm not sure that tone is helpful right now" or politely asking someone to repeat their statement, which can help them re-engage their conscious thought.

"You're not trying to win the moment, you're trying to preserve your energy," he said.

Ongoing rudeness is a silent trauma and a red flag

Repeated exposure to rudeness isn't just unpleasant, it can lead to serious psychological damage.

"If someone is routinely making you feel small, silencing your voice or triggering anxiety, that's not personality conflict, that's emotional abuse," Fahey warned.

"In these cases, the solution may involve speaking to a manager or removing yourself from the relationship, workplace or situation altogether.

"Your nervous system was built to keep you alive but it was never meant to be in survival mode 24/7."

You are not responsible for someone else's poor behaviour but you are responsible for your boundaries

Fahey said taking control means recognising that you can't fix rude people but you can refuse to absorb their poison.

"The strongest people aren't the ones who fight back," he said.

"They're the ones who stay grounded, protect their peace and move on without carrying someone else's baggage."

About Gary Fahey

Gary Fahey is a former high-ranking officer with the Australian Federal Police, now one of the country's most in-demand crisis intervention specialists and workplace performance experts. After experiencing his own highly publicised breakdown, he founded a highly respected consultancy to help individuals and organisations navigate stress, high performance and personal resilience.

Today, he works with leaders across a broad range of industries to prevent burnout and restore performance and life balance. His clients include CEOs, athletes, first responders, entrepreneurs and everyday Australians committed to taking back control of their lives.

Garyfahey.com