Andy Nunn: Leading mentalist shares easy hacks to deal with difficult people

Life is full of challenges and dealing with difficult people, increasingly, seems to be one of them. Whether it is a colleague at work who turns every conversation into an argument, a family member who knows exactly which button to push at get-togethers or a friend who leaves you exhausted from whinging and negative talk, Australian mentalist and human behaviour expert Andy Nunn explained most of us make the same mistake when dealing with difficult people.
 

Nunn warned we immediately default to focusing on their behaviour and how we need to change them rather than looking at our own behaviour and style of engagement.
 

Nunn, a revered keynote presenter and TEDx speaker who has spent more than 25 years studying attention, perception, persuasion and human behaviour, said you cannot change or control another person's behaviour, but you can get considerably better at managing your own response and controlling what happens next.
 

"Difficult people have an extraordinary ability to recruit us into their behaviour," Nunn said.
 

"It is the mirror effect. They become aggressive, so we become aggressive. They become defensive, so we start defending ourselves. Before long, we're behaving in exactly the same way we're complaining about.
 

"Instead of trying to work out how to stop the difficult person from being a complete pain in the arse, we need to think about how we can change our behaviour to modify the interaction so that it becomes more pleasant for both of us. Basically, we need to work out what the smartest response available to us is right now."
 

Catch the story before it catches you
 

Nunn said conflict often escalates because people confuse what happened with the story they immediately create about it.
 

"Our brain is wired with bias which filters and impacts how we perceive things. So, when a colleague does not reply to an email, we immediately decide they are deliberately ignoring us. If someone interrupts us, we form the opinion that they do not respect us. When a family member questions a decision, we automatically only hear criticism," Nunn said.
 

"The brain is incredibly quick to turn behaviour into a story. It creates the narrative for us based on bias."
 

Nunn said that one of the most useful things we can ask ourselves is what do I actually know, what am I assuming and what could change my mind?

"That small gap between what happened and what you think it means can prevent an enormous amount of unnecessary conflict. Basically, this exercise asks you to work out the facts rather than relying on the narrative that your brain has created which is based on bias," Nunn said.
 

Nunn calls the process Catch, Challenge, Change: catch the story forming in your head, challenge your interpretation and then consciously choose how you respond.
 

Stop trying to win
 

Nunn warned that many difficult conversations deteriorate because people quietly change the objective from solving the problem to winning the argument.
 

"The moment your goal becomes proving you're right and they're wrong, you stop listening for information and start listening for ammunition. You look for holes and anomalies in what they are saying in order to weaponise the information in your brain," he said.
 

"Instead, you need to start asking questions with genuine concern. Ask them what they are actually concerned about, what outcome they want and what they think you've misunderstood.
 

"You may not agree with them, but you need to hear and understand their point of view. Understanding somebody's reasoning and agreeing with it are completely different things."
 

Don't label the person
 

Nunn also recommended separating a person's behaviour from their identity.
 

"Our bias creates labels for people with extraordinary speed and precision. Once you've decided somebody is impossible or toxic, your brain becomes remarkably good at finding evidence to prove it," he said.
 

"This is important to understand because we need to find a way to put our bias to one side so we can think and act with clarity based on facts. Instead of labelling the person impossible, describe what actually happened.
 

"If the person interrupted you three times and rejected your idea without explaining why, now you have got something to work with, specific behaviour you can deal with."
 

Boundaries aren't battles
 

Thinking clearly does not mean tolerating unacceptable behaviour, it just means you can find a way to manage your own response.
 

"If someone is being difficult and they are raising their voice, it is important to avoid raising your voice. You can say something to the effect of I am happy to discuss this but I am not comfortable continuing while you are shouting at me
 

"You can leave a conversation, say no or reduce contact with somebody who repeatedly treats you badly.
 

"Staying calm doesn't mean surrendering, you can be calm and incredibly firm at the same time."
 

Where behaviour involves bullying, harassment, threats, abuse or safety concerns, Nunn said people should seek appropriate support and use formal processes rather than trying to manage the situation alone.

What if you're the difficult person?
 

Nunn said there is also an uncomfortable question worth asking and it involves looking in the mirror. What if, in this particular interaction, I'm the difficult one?
 

"We all get defensive, misinterpret things and become convinced our version of events is the only possible version. That is the nature of bias, it shapes our thinking and informs our behaviour," he said.
 

"In my line of work, I talk about confident humility which means being confident enough to hold a position while remaining humble enough to accept you could be missing something.
 

"You're never going to get through life without difficult people because, depending on the day, every one of us qualifies.
 

"You may not be able to change the difficult person in front of you but you can stop handing them control over the person you become around them. You can determine how you respond, you just need to put your bias aside, deal with the facts and genuinely seek greater understanding through questions."
 

About Andy Nunn
 

Andy Nunn is an Australian mentalist, TEDx speaker, keynote presenter and critical-thinking advocate who uses psychological illusion, behavioural insights and lived experience to explore how humans think, make decisions and respond to pressure.
 

Performing magic since childhood and professionally since 2019, Andy has worked with organisations including Google, Amazon, EY and Ralph Lauren and now delivers approximately 50 keynote presentations each year. His keynote experiences include The Human Advantage, Wonderfully Uncomfortable and Seeing Isn't Believing, covering leadership, bias, change, resilience, misinformation and critical thinking.
 

Andy combines more than 25 years of experience in mentalism with more than a decade coaching leaders, his journey through addiction and five years of sobriety, and extraordinary endurance challenges including the 200-mile Dragon's Back Race. Based on the Central Coast of NSW, he is currently writing a book, developing a critical-thinking program for high school students and building his podcast and broader thought-leadership platform.
 

www.andrewnunn.com
@andythementalist