No one sends cards for the real pain of pregnancy loss

Whether it is 8, 18 or 28 weeks, the pain of losing a child though miscarriage is real but well-meaning words can leave a woman feeling stripped raw, struggling to heal.

Author of Beyond Pregnancy Loss, Helen Abbott said people mean well but comments like “You can try again soon”, “It was nature’s way,” or “It happens a lot” can be hurtful and insensitive.

“Experiencing a miscarriage is a one of the loneliest things that can happen to a woman,” she said.

“The words ‘we can’t find a heartbeat’ are some of the most ominous words ever spoken to a couple expecting a child.

“People do not know how to acknowledge the loss because as a society, we do not talk openly about miscarriage.  Often women are blamed for the loss – like they did something wrong.

“The words people use do little to validate the grief felt. There is rarely any acknowledgement of what is now gone – a precious and much wanted baby.”

Ms Abbott said with pregnancy loss, unlike other deaths, it can be hard for others to understand what exactly has been lost.

“This ambiguous feeling about the loss is more common in the first trimester,” she said.

“If we lose an infant, people will respond with flowers, cards and condolences – but if we lose a baby in utero they probably won’t,” she said.

“Some people may not consider that there has been a loss, while others think such a loss is not significant enough to warrant their attention.

“Where does this leave the person experiencing the loss – feeling more than a little confused with how we ‘should’ feel.”

Ms Abbott said it is important to acknowledge the extent of the loss. 

“Miscarriage is a surreal experience. Support is often hard to find because miscarriage is not seen as a legitimate loss,” she said.

“The grief of losing a baby through miscarriage or stillbirth is really unacknowledged pain.

“This grief has little social recognition; it has no voice or is not acknowledged in society.”

Ms Abbott said many women are uncomfortable about grieving for an early pregnancy loss because they have only known about the baby for a few days or weeks and have often never seen it.

ENDS

Five steps to healing

1.         Expressing emotions

Where it is safe to do so, explore and express emotions. You may have to battle with your mental programming, choking back tears and trying to appear cool, but this keeps you stuck. Holding onto feelings will help you heal

2.         Talk about it

Pregnancy loss is shrouded in silence with many women neve speaking about their loss.  It is hard to feel validated and understood by keeping silent. Reach out to people who care about you and share with them how you feel.

3.         Honour your loss

Even though talking about your loss is uncomfortable, it is sign of growth and healing. Remembering and crating ways to honours your baby is a sign of respect and brings validity to your experience. If you want to commemorate your loss, do so.

4.         Men grieve differently

Pregnancy loss has become more meaningful to men with advances in technology. Remember men grieve differently and we all go through the stages of grief differently.

5.         Ask for help and comfort

Don’t put on a brave front, you can’t heal by not expressing your emotions. Seeking comfort is a natural and rational thing to do. The experience of grieving and receiving comfort brings people together. There are many ways to seek comfort – contribution, counselling, faith, support services and books.